Creating Rem Lezar (1989): Another Longpost

I'm not even gonna talk about the way he looks.


First of all get fucked if you’re pronouncing it Rem Laser. It’s Rem Lezar like Anton LaVey.

The title is slightly misleading since Rem Lezar already exists at the start of the movie. He’s some kind dream apparition that preys upon the bodies of slumbering children. Happily, the byproduct of Rem’s creepy nocturnal stalking is that bad dreams and scary thoughts are chased away. So even though Rem is clearly dangerous, there’s always a few kids willing to spend the night with him.

Take Zack for instance:


His heavy lidded gaze belies either a serious drug addiction or nightly visits from a strange man who won’t let him get any sleep. Fuck Zack anyway though, for real. I don’t know if any of my pictures do him justice, but he has a very creepy body that I can only describe as looking like an adult midget’s body with a kid head grafted onto it. Not one of the stubby midgets but the more or less correctly proportioned ones.

Zack knows he’s not the best looking kid in the world and so he’s built up a repertoire of songs with which to divert one’s attention. Sample lyrics from the opening number:

“When I’m dreaming I’m dreaming of a dream. Hoping to find what I feel in my mind is a paaaart of me. Ain’t it funny, the whole worrrld seems to be, when I’m dreaming, dreaming of a dream.”

Not bad if 9 year old wrote it but you have to feel bad for this guy:


Rem Lezar is cool with it though, cool enough to join in with some backing vocals and harmonizing. Not too cool to steal the spotlight though. Sensing an opportunity Rem grabs the song in his teeth and bolts with it. Instead of singing about dreaming about dreaming Rem tries to explain himself to Zack’s teacher.



And since he’s such a mushmouth I’ve included the lyrics too (as best as I can figure them):

“Answer the call and emotions hearing a wish of a child’s faith it’s an open door. Part of the joy that I get from this boy is his innocent laugh and style, come take another look.”

After the song Zack wanders into the principal’s office where he awkwardly chastises the older man for not listening to children. The principal takes this abuse stoically, staying silent when Zack asks him if he even has any children of his own. The principal looks balefully at a photograph of three young girls on his desk and says nothing. So I can only assume that Zack knows the principal tragically lost his family in a car accident or something and is just being a dick about it. Zack’s gambit works though, and he’s outta there with no detention.

Rem Lezar is then summoned by young Ashley, who has just been put to bed by her parents. Ashley conjures Lezar by singing an even more boring song than Zack’s.

Once Rem arrives the song turns into an awkward duet largely comprised of Ashley tunelessly warbling “Faaaantaaaaaasssssy...” and Rem responding with “My little one...” in his robust tenor.


This goes on for a while. Eventually it gets to the point that Rem has to rub his nipples:

Everything Rem says in his big goofuth voice and awkward phrasing comes out sounding a little creepy, like this chestnut, “When you close your eyes your imagination can see wonderful things. When the lights are not on, isn’t it just like closing your eyes?” The dialogue in general makes the characters seem addled and/or crazy. Like Zack for instance in his first exchange with Ashley:

Zack: “Why don’t you go somewhere and braid your hair or somethin’? My mother told me *some*day girls wouldn’t be able to resist me. Would you get outta here?”
Ashley: “Don’t forget the quixotic medallion! ...See a girl *can* understand Rem Lezar!”
Big pause.
Zack, whispering: “Meet me in the gym after school!”

I should probably point out that the word ‘quixotic’ is consistently and constantly mispronounced in Creating Rem Lezar. To get the full experience, read it as ‘quicks-aw-tick.’ The movie then switches gears to attack those Islamo fundie fascists attacking our freedom with this exchange inside a completely empty gymnasium:

Zack, arms folded, legs akimbo, backpack disdainfully slung from one shoulder: “Follow me, but pretend you don’t know me.”
Ashley: “I will not!”
Zack: “WHAT!”
Ashley: “Lets get something straight right now. You’re no better than me and I’m no better than you! You want to talk to me then you also better be ready to listen! In other words I’m going to walk beside you I will NOT follow!”

Phwoooaarr! Well you’ve convinced me Ashley, let’s fuck!

The children sing a song, flirt a little, and decide to make their nightmares come true by building a real Rem Lezar to terrorize their waking moments in addition to the nightly visitations.



Creeeepy.



The shameless first words the newly created Rem sings to the children are, “At laaaaaast, your fantaaaaassssy is reallll.” Further doing himself no favors with the parents in the audience Rem threatens to tuck the two of them in that very night as he clasps them both to his quivering pectorals.

It’s too bad the kids didn’t have a little extra putty to work with or they could have fixed that gap.
Now that it’s daytime, Rem decides another song is in order! And maybe a little ZZ Top style boogieing to boot.


The evil and odd-looking Vorock now appears to mock and attack Rem Lezar’s way of life, much like Noah Emmerich did to Jackie Earle Haley in Little Children. It should be pointed out that Vorock is played by Scott Zakarin, our industrious director.

Vorock is also quite capable of sending an intergalatic space vampire to infect you.



Suddenly transported to New York City the group looks for the highest point imagination can go. Zack remembers his father talking about identical buildings that were as high as imagination. Suddenly on a quest to find the twin towers our threesome traipse through central park where they find a group of italians who menace the children with doo wop. A tamed violinist and an afro-american rappist monosyllabically throwing down over a Clipse-style minimalist beat also temporarily join the group.

Everyone points a lot too.

The group shakes off the ne’erdowells and finds itself in front of the towers. Everyone poses majestically and sends fuck you vapors to the freedom killers.


To no avail however as Vorock turns up again and quite sanely points out that if the children can see how high the towers go then surely this is the wrong place as they would be able to imagine something higher.

Creating Rem Lezar then betrays its ideals as Rem and the children travel to some hippy forest where Rem exhorts them to try loving Vorock instead of hating him. Rem kicks further fallible science to the kids when Ashley asks “Why are we here Rem? I mean any of us?”
“Why not? Why not is as good an answer as any given by any scientist or philospher.”
Uh... really? Rem is Lazy Dad.

Then for some reason Vorok makes Rem split in two and separates the children, giving each of them a Rem so they can work out their issues in private. Both kids learn a thing and do a grow. Rem clearly plays favorites though. For a long time Zack’s Rem straight ignores him and refuses to talk while Ashley’s Rem won’t shut up and even serenades her and picks her up and holds her close. This sequence at least teaches us that while Rem isn’t going to turn his nose up at anyone, if he has his choice he definitely prefers the little ladies.


Oh no! Vorock tricks Zack into the waist deep water!

But then Vorock is saved through the power of love!


And then we get a lot of creepy dollface closeups ad nauseum.

The kids finally complete their adventure and wake up back in the abandoned workshop. Aw, Rem is only a doll again.


Hey, wait a minute that police officer sure looks familiar! *And* he has a great line to Zack: “I think you better leave the doll here son,” as Zack sheepishly lets of go of fake Lezar’s hand.



Well all’s well that ends well.

I didn’t notice this before I started doing screencaps and whatnot but the entire Rem Lezar film is actually hosted on youtube if you search for it, kind of rendering this whole post redundant, but hey, I only just found out. The good news is that Rem Lezar is only 48 minutes long so it’s definitely rockable.