RoosterFlix Review: Big Man Japan (2007)

Holy shit, what a dumb and boring movie!


No, seriously, I probably stopped it about 5 or 6 times because I just couldn't stand watching.


I'll go ahead and run through the movie's premise real quick, and maybe I'll even throw in some spoilers so you'll never have to watch it, but since there is hardly a plot, there is really nothing to spoil. Big Man Japan is a fake documentary -- can't call it a mockumentary since it's not really mocking anything -- about this guy called "The King of Pain" that can transform into a giant version of himself with tattoos, Kid's Class Act hairdo ("I'm just expressing myself aerodynamically!"), purple underwear, a disproportionate anatomy, and a stick. They actually kind of explain the underwear, but where he gets the stick remains a mystery. The reason he transforms is because these giant monsters show up, and he has to kill them so they don't destroy the town. The whole thing is televised, and it's this huge show in Japan, but it's losing ratings because I guess it's just not as exciting as it used to be. It kind of fools you into thinking "oh, this shouldn't be too bad, and it certainly won't put me to sleep!" right?


This fake documentary focuses on the most uninteresting, boring asshole I've ever seen in my life. Off to a great start. See that picture of him? Yeah, that lifeless, couldn't-give-a-shit expression remains on his face for the entire fucking movie. And it's not just him, although he IS the worst offender. All the actors seemingly have the energy of an old Jason Robards after having his blood replaced with morphine and cigarette butts.


The best/worst parts of the movie are the "fights" between this guy and the various monsters. Why are there monsters attacking the city? Where do they come from? Good question! I'd kinda like to know that too! So, the two giants fight. I use the word "fight" loosely, since they kind of just stand there like planks of wood, waiting for the animators to make some sort of effort. I should mention that these sequences are all CG. It's the kind of special foreign CG that isn't really that good, but also isn't really that bad. Anyway, these fights, which are less exciting than waiting for seasons to change, are usually over in a minute or two since the monsters die from a bonk on the head or a scraped knee. I think one monster actually dies just from accidentally falling over.


There is actually an attempt at a back story for this guy, involving a legendary lineage of men that are able to grow into giants. Unfortunately (and fortunately), it's really not anymore complicated than that. There are flashback scenes of him as a fat kid with long hair getting abused by his dad, explaining why he turned out to be a worthless lush. There is a scene in particular where his dad hooks up jumper cables to his fat kid tits and shocks him, because I guess in order to turn into a giant, these guys have go through this bullshit ritual of being shocked into gigantism. This leaves the boy with volcano tits (see below).




This devil enemy shows up with big head mode from NBA Jam turned on, and actually poses a threat to our "hero". The King of Pain gets his face stomped on a good bit, and ends up running away because he's a pussy with severe arthritis in every possible joint.


I have no idea what the fuck that girl or her necklace has to do with the movie, since it comes completely out of left field and is never explained.

So, how does the King of Pain end up defeating this enemy? Enter the deus ex machina - one of the dumbest, worst, most inexplicable endings I've ever seen in which the CG fight suddenly turns live-action, complete with a miniature set that looks like it was snatched from a Godzilla movie. A group of Power Ranger/Ultraman rip-offs show up (out of nowhere) to defeat this enemy that the King of Pain was having trouble with, and after they destroy it, they fly away to some secret fortress or something, and that's where it ends. I have a feeling that the scene went live-action because the crew working on the computer animation is just too awful and inexperienced to handle really intense complex movements like "punching" and "kicking". Fuck this movie, for real. 2/10 stars? 1 out of 5 roosters? I dunno, whatever rating system we decide on, I'll rate the shit out of it.