El Profesor Hippie (1969): what the fuck

Oh boy, El Profesor Hippie, I don’t even know where to start! They were seriously smoking some sheeit when they made this thing. Lots of videos and pictures within.




Aight, so, in a (long) nutshell:

Hector Montesano (Luis Sandrini) is a music professor at a small state university in Argentina. I wouldn’t say that he’s uptight, but he’s a rigid man with a set way of doing things and dealing with people. Hector’s only friends on campus are a lab tech named Cecilia (who Hector is secretly in love with) and her assistant Esteban. The other staff members generally think Hector is a stuck-up douche-bag. Hector’s students tend to share this opinion and as a result Hector’s classes may as well be center ring at the circus for all the learning and discipline going on.

So one night Hector, Esteban and Cecilia are at a bar hanging out. Cecilia’s complaining about her boyfriend the dean, Hector’s being all withdrawn, and Esteban stays cracking jokes and buying shots for the group. Eventually Cecilia excuses herself because the dean will probably be looking for her. Esteban invites Hector back to campus for a pick me up, promising him something amazing.

Back at the lab, that something turns out to be a jar of green liquid labeled ‘hippie juice.’ Esteban starts to explain that this is what Cecilia has been working on all year, but before he can finish, Hector drinks all of it in one gulp much to Esteban’s dismay. Esteban explains that he was only supposed to drink a little of it, not the whole thing. Hector waves him off and decides to go home to bed after the ‘hippie juice’ does nothing.

The next morning Hector feels kind of funny, not bad, but funny. After showering he begins to shave and notices that his hair- it isn’t his hair anymore. It’s like a... like a hippie-bird put a nest on his head or something. He’s got this shaggy bowlcut and not only that but there’s a big stupid grin plastered all over his face. At this point Hector realizes that in fact he actually loves the hair, loves the ‘tude, loves the swang in his step, but HATES all the square clothes in his closet. After some scissor modifications Hector grooves his way to school in a suit jacket minus the sleeves, no undershirt, polka dot ties around his wrists, cutoff shorts that used to be linen pants, and a second pair of pants stapled to the back of the shorts and dragging on the ground.

ElProfesor leads the class

(Plot cont.)
Needless to say Hector is an immediate sensation on campus and turns his music classes into the grooviest scene in Argentina. Now known as El Profesor Hippie, Hector is the most popular guy in school: playing guitar all over the place, having far-out freak-ins with all the flyest coed pussy, and thumbing his nose at the stuffy dean.

Meanwhile Esteban and Cecilia are working overtime to reproduce the formula for hippie juice.

El Profesor Hippie announces that there’s going to be a Happening at the school that Friday and that all of Argentina’s hippest jazzbo doodlebug knockouts are going to be there to perform.

(Plot cont.)
Esteban and Cecilia succeed in replicating the hippie juice, and on a large scale. The dean angrily barges into the lab and announces that he’s shutting them down. He then breaks up with Cecilia, being resentful of her late hours and blaming her for the mess with Hector. Having nothing left to live for, all of them drink heartily.

Bad trip kicking in

Bad trip in full effect now

(Plot cont.)
God I am getting kind of tired of this. Look basically, having nothing left to live for, all three of them drink the hippie juice. Cecilia’s breasts get way bigger and she becomes a Hot Mama. She and El Profesor Hippie do it lovely right on stage at the Happening and pass out hippie juice to all the students. After drinking his share Esteban slowly shrinks smaller and smaller until he no longer exists. But almost immediately after disappearing a pyschedelic flow dripping butterfly winks out of the alta-dimensional breach and resumes speaking in Esteban’s voice, dropping knowledge about the I-Ching and the Black Bible of Funkistan. The dean drinks up, wipes his mouth, and turns into a slide whistle. Outside it isn’t long before the crazed hippie mob tears itself to pieces and drowns in an orgy of blood, phlegm, and feces. This provides catharsis for the audience, which is now crying.

Cry audience, cry

Other highlights include:

El Profesor Hippie teaching Cecilia how to properly say “Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash. But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.”

El Profesor Hippie deciding to run for mayor and becoming enraged during a press conference and biting off the nose of an impertinent reporter.

(Highlights cont.)
El Profesor Hippie, after winning a series of bare knuckle prison fights is selected as a candiate to try out an experimental new drug which makes EPH’s hair turn gray as he begins rapidly aging. This subplot is rapidly dropped after it turns out to be retarded.

EPH discovers that Cecilia’s slack witted daughter is actually her sister and that goddammit, there’s nothing he can do to prevent her evil father from taking both of them away with him.

And finally, EPH discovers that despite being lifelong friends with Copper, they are in fact natural enemies. The two come to an understanding after EPH saves Copper and his master from an enraged bear. The two part ways, knowing that although they’ve never been farther apart, they’ve also never been closer friends then they are right now.

Helter Skelter

In reality El Profesor Hippie is dogshit. Just total dogshit. I don’t know exactly what it was about because it was in Spanish and there were no subtitles but it was boring as hell. It was basically Mister Holland’s Opus but with the teacher occasionally wearing a hippie wig and being boring. Seriously, it was such dogshit I had to make up what it SHOULD have been like just so I could actually have something to write about. I’ve included all the notable moments from the movie via youtube videos and while some of the stuff might look fun and with it, please don’t watch this movie. Just don’t. All the amazing promise and potential of a movie called El Profesor Hippie and it amounts to nothing. It’s just sick. I will say this however: the tunes were pretty catchy. I was humming the title track for the rest of the day (it’s been a few days since I watched it and decided what to write). There really was a long sequence at the end of the movie with a bunch of Argentine pop bands just straight singing their songs all the way through. Terrible. It’s the kind of movie where at the end the students all gather together and walk alongside the train that their beloved professor is leaving on, and serenade him one last time and thank him for changing their lives.

Basically most of the movie is like this:

And it really should have been more of this:








So in conclusion fuck this movie.

Fuck you Professor