This post is sort of about John Carpenter's Halloween (1978): rambles, a drawing, and nothing insightful

Cecil looked like he had fun doing one of those “What the fuck, guy? How have you not seen that?” posts so I’m stealing his idea and providing diminishing returns for you, the reader.

There isn’t really any point in me doing this, since if I think the movie is crappy that pretty much makes me a know-nothing douchebag and if I like it then I become the 10,000th guy to add nothing of real interest to the critical discourse (as an aside, did you know that Jamie Lee Curtis’ mom, Janet Leigh, was a scream queen in Psycho and then Jamie Lee was a scream queen in Halloween, a movie that was influenced by Psycho????????? Scintillating insight ftw roflz roflz!!!). Needless to say, I am a douchebag. None of that would matter though, if I was a better writer. A better writer would beguile you with artfully constructed sentences and a winning voice, and you wouldn’t notice until you’d finished reading that you didn’t really care in the first place. I’m not that guy though, so you’re getting boring meta-reflections (like this whole paragraph), and thin excuses and explanations like this:

Being that John Carpenter is one of my favorite directors, and seeing as how I watch all kinds of piece-of-shit horror movies without a second’s hesitation, I can’t understand why I never got around to Halloween before now. You’d think a guy that watches John Carpenter’s The Thing every October 31st would at some point have gotten the idea to actually maybe I don’t know, watch fucking Halloween on Halloween, but no.

And aren’t-I-clever snarky snark snarks like this:

I don’t want to say Halloween is boring and shitty, so I’ll just say that it’s boring.

Really though, Halloween was pretty boring. It has less violence than Indiana Jones, the scares are spread waaay too far out, and the titties- well okay there were titties, I can’t hate on that. At least the kid playing young Michael Myers in this one looked normal and was only in it for a few seconds. The feminino longhair halfling elf child that Rob Zombie cast in his remake may have appealed to pedophiles unsure of their sexuality but I’m not really sure that they contribute to opening weekends as much as Hollywood thinks they do. And did you see Hancock? I just assumed that Rob Zombie forced the poor kid to look like a Magic Hair Doll to complete his white trash fetish but then this toad shows up in Hancock looking exactly the same and sporting a french accent to boot. Where are this boy’s parents?

Since I brought up the remake's casting I would be remiss not to talk about my favorite actor of the entire Halloween series: Paul Rudd. Not necessarily the first name you think of when Halloween comes up, but there's Rudd, playing the grown up Tommy Doyle in Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers. Rudd definitely deserves a post of his own and believe me, if my first blog post had been in 2002 instead of 2008 I would have been allll over that, but at this point it would only be slightly less redundant than this Halloween post is, so I figured what better place to show him a little love than here. Curse came out in 1995, same year as Clueless. Rudd was charming, natural, and relaxed in Clueless and seems like a totally different actor than the weird, intense guy doing a terrible voice and acting too hard throughout Curse of Michael Myers. Curse should have been amazing, given that it’s about evil druids, a timeless curse, has Paul Rudd teaming up with Donald Pleasance, and Kim Darby finally getting what was coming to her for ruining True Grit. But mostly the only things I remember are bad editing and Rudd’s goofily clipped patrician accent. Even so:



Oh yeah kid, I made that two years ago and motivational poster jokes were played out even then. This post is gonna get worse too.

I guess my favorite part of Halloween was Dr. Loomis. Played by Donald Pleasance as a man who wandered in from another movie, his scenes stand out like neon balls on a grey dildo. Pleasance’s acting style tended to remind me of the pronouncements David Caruso makes just before the opening credits on every episode of CSI: Miami:


Ooookay delete blog, bury body, bottom of barrel is dry, cupboard is bare, there is no man behind the curtainThis post is just a clearing house for bad ideas. Count yourselves lucky I couldn’t figure out a way to make the sections on Ice T’s The Tower and my dad yelling things like “Why won’t she turn on the lights! Shit there he is! Why’s she keep throwing the fucking knife away! Idiot! This is stupid! Does she hate lights!” fit into this mess.