Zapped! (1982): THIS IS PERFECT

Robert J. Rosenthal's Zapped! is a breath of 26-year-old fresh air. Most of the time with movies like this, you can predict what's coming at almost every turn, but with this one....well....you still kind of can, but it really doesn't stick to convention at all. It's a damn near perfect 80's teen sex comedy.

Scott Baio stars as the nerdy lab rat Barney, who spends most of his time mixing chemicals and experimenting with mice. Does he get beat up by jocks and have trouble with girls? FUCK NO! He's on the baseball team! He never plays, but he's never picked on, either, which is unheard of in these kinds of movies. They even introduce a kind of rebel punk kid with a crazy hairdo early in the movie that would be perfect for giving these kids swirlies and that, but he doesn't do a damn thing to anybody and is only in two scenes. It's kind of weird that he's even in the movie in the first place, but I guess every school's got one. So there's one convention broken, no bullying. Hey, I'm all for stereotypical bullies with their dumb lackeys giving the teachers wedgies and whatever the fuck else, but there's none of that here.

OK, what else....is the principal a mean-spirited, evil, joy-killing dickhead? FUCK NO, this dude just wants to get his dick wet! No joke! It even happens! Even at the prom, when shit gets REAL nuts, him and another teacher sneak in the back to get busy. Speaking of the prom....fuck, I'll save that for later.

Why is the movie called Zapped! you might be asking yourself? OK you probably aren't asking yourself that, but fuck it....It all starts with Barney's baseball coach (played by the legendary Scatman Crothers) rummaging around the lab looking for whiskey or something when he accidentally drops a chemical into a jar with other chemicals creating the wonder drug that gives humans telekinetic abilities with absolutely no repercussions. During an experiment in the lab, Barney knocks over those same chemicals causing a small explosion and knocking Barney out. Of course, he wakes up unharmed, except now he can move shit with his brain. His new powers not only help, to an extent, his best friend get laid, and also turns his mom into a fucking nutcase. (See the video I posted in an earlier entry for many more examples of Barney's powers)

Long story short, he tries raping his girlfriend with his mind, and when that doesn't work, he rapes, with his mind, every single person at the prom. Which is EXACTLY what a high school kid with telekinesis would do. This movie just gets everything right. earlier in the movie, he is poppin' the shirts off girls left and right, and also pulling dudes' pants down and hanging them on a tree. Also, if this were any other movie, he'd get bonked on the head and lose all his powers, which actually kind of happens for a second, but he doesn't really lose them at all, and at the end of the movie he flies away......with his mind. That's the best thing, knowing that this kid is gonna have this awesome power forever and will rape people from a distance for the rest of his life. So, ultimately, what I'm really trying to get at here is that mind-rape is incredible, and I wish I could mind-rape. Please PM me on Yahoo chat. Bye! Thanks for stopping by!