Read Full Post »

The Suspension of Miss Bileaf: investors wanted for megabuck million dollar dream of an idea!

She's Just a Big Small-Town Girl, Living in a Lonely World...

"...A heartwarming comedy of obese proportions!"

Carrie Bileaf is an aspiring singer whose one dream is to share her voice with the world and perform on stage. There's just one catch- she's a total fatty! In fact, Miss Bileaf has grown to the point where even rising off of her couch, let alone walking out the door and down to the talent contest, would be an impossibility.


Luckily she's not alone, she also lives with her father and a wacky home health care worker. Dad usually doesn't spend much time with Carrie because he is too busy running a successful auto-dealership. When they do hang out it's mostly small talk since he can't abide her flighty show-biz dreams and she's tired of hearing about crankshafts and secretaries. Still, his generosity knows no bounds and he selflessly provides for Carrie's every need. Those needs include Kiki, the aforementioned wacky, flamboyantly gay, latin home health worker. Kiki provides comic relief AND diversity (we doubled up on the ethnic and gay thing so we wouldn't need two characters). Cue wacky bathing sequences where clumsy Kiki misplaces one of Carrie's tits only to be knocked out cold by it once it swings back into frame; bedsores rupturing all over Kiki's goggles; and a little bit of "Hey! So that's where my mop went!" comedy.


Carrie's life changes one day when a wrecking ball demolishes half of her house. Joe, the crane operator rushes in to survey the damage, and that's where true love's spark catches fire. Sample dialogue:

Joe: Sorry about your house.
Carrie: It's my dad's house actually.
Joe: My bad.
Carrie: Ok.
Joe: God I love craning stuff.
Carrie: I like to sing.
Joe: I'll call you.
Carrie: *burps*

After they fall in love for a while Joe asks Carrie if she wants to go to the local talent show but Carrie bursts into tears. Joe is understandably turned off by the waterworks and peaces the fuck out. Carrie is despondent but her papa comes to the rescue. He surreptitiously places a call to Joe's crane company and requests a crane come pick something up on the night of the talent show. Since Joe is the only one at the company without a date for the night he agrees to come over.


So on the night of the talent show Joe starts getting a funny feeling when he realizes the address for his job is the Bileaf residence! Big hugs and big tears break out once Carrie realizes her dad really DID care about her and arranged for Joe to come over. Joe for his part is ecstatic once he realizes that he will be able to take Carrie to the show after all. And Carrie, oh Carrie is overflowing at the opportunity to be part of the show. Sample dialogue:

Carrie: This is so great.
Joe: I know.
Dad: Hey.
Carrie: What?
Dad: I'm so happy.
Joe: Me too.
Carrie: How did you think of this idea.
Joe: Me?
Carrie: No, my dad.
Dad: Oh I guess I just thought of it.
Carrie: Well it was good.
Dad: Thanks.

So yada yada they hook her to the crane, swoop her over to the talent show, hoist her above the stage and she sings like she's never sung before! Joe is beaming from inside the crane's operation booth, Dad is 'getting jiggy with it' in the crowd, and Kiki is all talking sassy with a dick in his hand! Just as Carrie hits the highest note she's ever hit she massively shits herself and the stage. This provides catharsis for the audience, which is now crying. Read Full Post »

Kikujiro (1999): Endless Summers

Not a bad way to spend the holidays



Kikujiro No Natsu (Kikujiro’s Summer) is one of my yearly rituals, one of my regulars that I pull out during the appropriate season. Die Hard and Bad Santa at Christmas, Planes Trains and Automobiles at Thanksgiving, John Carpenter’s the Thing at Halloween (which doesn’t even make sense in a universe where John Carpenter’s Halloween exists but that’s the way it is), Sudden Death during the Stanley Cup, and Ferris Bueller and Kikujiro during the summer. Of course, I’m lucky if I manage to watch all of those in a given year at their designated time, but that’s the idea at any rate.

Kikujiro goes heavy on the whimsy right from the start, creating a sense of the wonder that children often find in the ordinary. Where Wes Anderson’s whimsical sensibility grates on me more and more severely with each subsequent movie he makes, Kikujiro doesn’t rankle me at all. Perhaps it’s because none of director Takeshi Kitano’s other films is quite like Kikujiro, or maybe it’s the oddball and child-like point of view throughout.


If you haven’t seen it, there isn’t much to explain. School has just ended and Masao is lonely. His father is dead, his mother works in another town, he lives with his grandmother, and his friends have all gone on their summer vacations. One of his grandmother’s acquaintances takes pity on Masao and orders her layabout husband (played by Kitano) to take the boy on a trip to visit his mother. And so they begin a picaresque jaunt through the Japanese countryside.



The trip to find Masao’s mother is often as not pushed to the background while a parade of strange and interesting characters come forward to have their moment in the sun and contribute memories to the summer vacation journal that Masao is writing. There are some dark passages but they’re brief enough, and like any good summer vacation the fun parts are what stay with you after it’s all over.




Kitano’s character consistently enlivens the proceedings and keeps things from getting too schmaltzy. Throughout the movie Kitano blusters and threatens his way through nearly every interaction he has. He steals, threatens, whines, cajoles, goofs off, complains even when people help him, makes a fool of himself multiple times, and yet manages to be endearing all the same. There’s a nice little scene in the latter half of the film where Kitano surreptitiously steals a man’s lunch without the man noticing. After the man has left, Kitano selflessly gives the food to Masao. Masao is somewhat surprised by the generosity and asks what Kitano will do for dinner. Kitano stoically explains that although he is hungry, this is something that adults are supposed to do for children and that he will get by. Kitano then excuses himself to go to the bathroom and once he is out of sight immediately begins gorging himself on more hidden food.



Here's another little comedy gem (PS: finally figured out how to synch the sound and picture, apologies about the bad job on the Rem Lezar vids)


Man okay, I’ve already written more than I meant to about this, but I want to say a few more things. That’s the problem with blog posts I guess, there’s no reason to stop. This one really got away from me though since I originally only wanted to do like three paragraphs.




Anyway things I like in Kikujiro: the inventive camera angles; this is probably the only time I’ve seen a shot from a hubcap’s point of view. How appearances are often deceiving, like the bikers being friendly softies. I also enjoy Kitano’s great stiff-legged gait, he’s like a really young and spry grandfather. His raspy voice only adds to this effect. The child-like touches are great too, such as the crayon used for the Japanese writing in the credits and intertitles, the sped-up sequence with the trash-can, the odd sound effects like with the lizard, and the silly slapstick that pops up throughout. And the music, how did I get this far without mentioning the music? Joe Hisaishi does a wonderful job, and the main theme is one of my favorite pieces from the movies.



I can’t front though, it’s not all perfect. I don’t like the dream sequences much, the second one in particular kind of drags. And the kid actor is terrible. That’s probably a little strong, but at best he’s a non-factor. Not a lot of charisma or evidence of anything happening behind his blank stares.




In conclusion it’s a surprisingly touching and bittersweet effort from Kitano who, as usual, does a fine job on the writing, directing, editing, and acting fronts. Although Kikujiro always leaves me a bit sad by the time it’s over, I’m always eager to watch it over again right away. Luckily, there’s always next summer...


Read Full Post »

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988) Semi-Reviewball & Gif-O-Rama

It looks like it's probably a pretty bitchin' movie, huh? They look like big, good, strong hands, don't they? Before we dive deep into this magical world of community theater rejects and soulless puppetry, let's point out what you won't be seeing.

Do you see that giant hand back there? The one with sharp, scary claws that's just about to scratch the Christ out of someone? It belongs to an imp that is roughly 2 feet tall, mostly inanimate, and talks like a pimp from Baltimore, so go ahead and cross that one off the list. See that girl on the cover? The one with her weight shifted to one leg, hands on hips, a handkerchief covering her chest, with pants that were seemingly spray painted on? She doesn't exist! But I assume they are alluding to the character of "Spider" who also has circles on her pants and is also female. However, there is a bowling alley, and those other people are in the movie, so at least it's not complete and utter bullshittery of the King Kong caliber. I kinda wish it was, though.

I'll be honest. I don't care about explaining this movie's plot or analyzing the characters. There's nothing to critique. The movie sucks. There. That's my review. The only reason I'm making this post is so I can create animated gifs of the best/worst parts of the movie and share them with the world! Hee hee! *fart* I enjoy making gifs from things no one would or should ever make gifs from. Fair warning, I plan on doing this all the time. Original content!! Yeah!!!

Since posting these gifs one after the other can bring a browser to a screeching halt, I'll post links to the pictures in their respective comments. Click a link to see a gif!


1. "She-demons...damned if ya do, damned if ya don't!" says the inept, mildly retarded protagonist, Calvin. He lights a person on fire with a fucking molotov cocktail and doesn't even have the common courtesy to watch them burn to death? What the hell is he looking at, anyway? The fuck outta my movie, pussy!

2. (NSFW) Dang! That paddle is like one of those giant wooden spatulas people use to get pizzas out of the oven. I can't believe those dudes had the balls to sneak INTO the fucking sorority house to get a better view of that ass-spankin'. Hats off, fellas.

3. ...BACK TO THE FUNCTION, RIDIN' THE CABOOSE TO HELL, GZZZZZZZT, TOUCHED THE MAIN ENTRANCE TO THE MALL...YA FUCKED UP, CHICKEN, NOW YOU JUST GOT FRIED, 'CAUSE IT'S A SUICIDE

4. A tender, revealing moment. In their spare time, zombies enjoy bowling using the heads of their victims as the ball. Unfortunately, the heads never make it all the way down the lane, rendering the game fucking pointless.

5. "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!" That is the actual spoken dialogue. Someone wrote that down, thought about it, OK'ed it, and allowed someone to say it, where it was intended as comedy, in a movie.

6. When one of the girls asks the imp "Why are you doing this?!", he replies, "What I'm doin' is tormentin' you! That is what imps do! Goofy!" Ouch, burn!

7. UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT UT!!!!

8. (NSFW) What's a cheesy, campy, low-budget horror movie without gratuitous nudity? (edit: because of the bodacious bazooms, this picture might be taken down again and again. I'll try to keep it up as best I can.)

8a. Just a loop of the door opening.


FUCK ALL YALL

Read Full Post »

Brewster McCloud (1970): Donnie Darko For The 70s?

Brewster McCloud (1970) was excellent, but at the same time it's a weight I have to get off my chest before it fucking crushes me. The movie is rich to the point where I won't be able to discuss everything I'd like to in this post and I'm sure there is a lot I missed, but after seeing it twice I can scarcely bear to write this post, let alone watch the movie again.

But somehow, I find myself watching it again.

The movie's tagline was "THIS MAY BE OVER YOUR HEAD", which is pretty apt considering that the movie never comes right out and explains to you what is going on beneath the surface of the film's perspective.

"Welcome to the party life. Welcome to the 70s."

Brewster McCloud initially presents itself as a rather typical comedic teen drama, but gets progressively darker and touches genres like crime drama and portrays the classic struggle between good and evil with a lot of heavy-handed symbolism. . Robert Altman was a big enough asshole to add a upbeat soundtrack, applause, and subtle laugher to the final scene, which happens to be the most gut-wrenching scene in the movie. Afterward, as the credits roll, there is a parade (seriously). Part of the creepiness of this movie is that even though it gets so very dark, it never really releases its grip on the style of movie that it appears to start out as. When you notice this as you watch it for the second time, the whole thing is just end-to-end sinister.

The nearest thing I can compare it to is Donnie Darko, and I'm even inclined to think that Donnie Darko was inspired by Brewster McCloud. Insofar as both movies exist in seriously fucked up realities, I can also compare it to the animated Perfect Blue, a movie that I saw when I was like fifteen and don't really remember too well. Read Full Post »

RoosterFlix Review: Big Man Japan (2007)

Holy shit, what a dumb and boring movie!


No, seriously, I probably stopped it about 5 or 6 times because I just couldn't stand watching.


I'll go ahead and run through the movie's premise real quick, and maybe I'll even throw in some spoilers so you'll never have to watch it, but since there is hardly a plot, there is really nothing to spoil. Big Man Japan is a fake documentary -- can't call it a mockumentary since it's not really mocking anything -- about this guy called "The King of Pain" that can transform into a giant version of himself with tattoos, Kid's Class Act hairdo ("I'm just expressing myself aerodynamically!"), purple underwear, a disproportionate anatomy, and a stick. They actually kind of explain the underwear, but where he gets the stick remains a mystery. The reason he transforms is because these giant monsters show up, and he has to kill them so they don't destroy the town. The whole thing is televised, and it's this huge show in Japan, but it's losing ratings because I guess it's just not as exciting as it used to be. It kind of fools you into thinking "oh, this shouldn't be too bad, and it certainly won't put me to sleep!" right?


This fake documentary focuses on the most uninteresting, boring asshole I've ever seen in my life. Off to a great start. See that picture of him? Yeah, that lifeless, couldn't-give-a-shit expression remains on his face for the entire fucking movie. And it's not just him, although he IS the worst offender. All the actors seemingly have the energy of an old Jason Robards after having his blood replaced with morphine and cigarette butts.


The best/worst parts of the movie are the "fights" between this guy and the various monsters. Why are there monsters attacking the city? Where do they come from? Good question! I'd kinda like to know that too! So, the two giants fight. I use the word "fight" loosely, since they kind of just stand there like planks of wood, waiting for the animators to make some sort of effort. I should mention that these sequences are all CG. It's the kind of special foreign CG that isn't really that good, but also isn't really that bad. Anyway, these fights, which are less exciting than waiting for seasons to change, are usually over in a minute or two since the monsters die from a bonk on the head or a scraped knee. I think one monster actually dies just from accidentally falling over.


There is actually an attempt at a back story for this guy, involving a legendary lineage of men that are able to grow into giants. Unfortunately (and fortunately), it's really not anymore complicated than that. There are flashback scenes of him as a fat kid with long hair getting abused by his dad, explaining why he turned out to be a worthless lush. There is a scene in particular where his dad hooks up jumper cables to his fat kid tits and shocks him, because I guess in order to turn into a giant, these guys have go through this bullshit ritual of being shocked into gigantism. This leaves the boy with volcano tits (see below).




This devil enemy shows up with big head mode from NBA Jam turned on, and actually poses a threat to our "hero". The King of Pain gets his face stomped on a good bit, and ends up running away because he's a pussy with severe arthritis in every possible joint.


I have no idea what the fuck that girl or her necklace has to do with the movie, since it comes completely out of left field and is never explained.

So, how does the King of Pain end up defeating this enemy? Enter the deus ex machina - one of the dumbest, worst, most inexplicable endings I've ever seen in which the CG fight suddenly turns live-action, complete with a miniature set that looks like it was snatched from a Godzilla movie. A group of Power Ranger/Ultraman rip-offs show up (out of nowhere) to defeat this enemy that the King of Pain was having trouble with, and after they destroy it, they fly away to some secret fortress or something, and that's where it ends. I have a feeling that the scene went live-action because the crew working on the computer animation is just too awful and inexperienced to handle really intense complex movements like "punching" and "kicking". Fuck this movie, for real. 2/10 stars? 1 out of 5 roosters? I dunno, whatever rating system we decide on, I'll rate the shit out of it.

Read Full Post »

Creating Rem Lezar (1989): Another Longpost

I'm not even gonna talk about the way he looks.


First of all get fucked if you’re pronouncing it Rem Laser. It’s Rem Lezar like Anton LaVey.

The title is slightly misleading since Rem Lezar already exists at the start of the movie. He’s some kind dream apparition that preys upon the bodies of slumbering children. Happily, the byproduct of Rem’s creepy nocturnal stalking is that bad dreams and scary thoughts are chased away. So even though Rem is clearly dangerous, there’s always a few kids willing to spend the night with him.

Take Zack for instance:


His heavy lidded gaze belies either a serious drug addiction or nightly visits from a strange man who won’t let him get any sleep. Fuck Zack anyway though, for real. I don’t know if any of my pictures do him justice, but he has a very creepy body that I can only describe as looking like an adult midget’s body with a kid head grafted onto it. Not one of the stubby midgets but the more or less correctly proportioned ones.

Zack knows he’s not the best looking kid in the world and so he’s built up a repertoire of songs with which to divert one’s attention. Sample lyrics from the opening number:

“When I’m dreaming I’m dreaming of a dream. Hoping to find what I feel in my mind is a paaaart of me. Ain’t it funny, the whole worrrld seems to be, when I’m dreaming, dreaming of a dream.”

Not bad if 9 year old wrote it but you have to feel bad for this guy:


Rem Lezar is cool with it though, cool enough to join in with some backing vocals and harmonizing. Not too cool to steal the spotlight though. Sensing an opportunity Rem grabs the song in his teeth and bolts with it. Instead of singing about dreaming about dreaming Rem tries to explain himself to Zack’s teacher.



And since he’s such a mushmouth I’ve included the lyrics too (as best as I can figure them):

“Answer the call and emotions hearing a wish of a child’s faith it’s an open door. Part of the joy that I get from this boy is his innocent laugh and style, come take another look.”

After the song Zack wanders into the principal’s office where he awkwardly chastises the older man for not listening to children. The principal takes this abuse stoically, staying silent when Zack asks him if he even has any children of his own. The principal looks balefully at a photograph of three young girls on his desk and says nothing. So I can only assume that Zack knows the principal tragically lost his family in a car accident or something and is just being a dick about it. Zack’s gambit works though, and he’s outta there with no detention.

Rem Lezar is then summoned by young Ashley, who has just been put to bed by her parents. Ashley conjures Lezar by singing an even more boring song than Zack’s.

Once Rem arrives the song turns into an awkward duet largely comprised of Ashley tunelessly warbling “Faaaantaaaaaasssssy...” and Rem responding with “My little one...” in his robust tenor.


This goes on for a while. Eventually it gets to the point that Rem has to rub his nipples:

Everything Rem says in his big goofuth voice and awkward phrasing comes out sounding a little creepy, like this chestnut, “When you close your eyes your imagination can see wonderful things. When the lights are not on, isn’t it just like closing your eyes?” The dialogue in general makes the characters seem addled and/or crazy. Like Zack for instance in his first exchange with Ashley:

Zack: “Why don’t you go somewhere and braid your hair or somethin’? My mother told me *some*day girls wouldn’t be able to resist me. Would you get outta here?”
Ashley: “Don’t forget the quixotic medallion! ...See a girl *can* understand Rem Lezar!”
Big pause.
Zack, whispering: “Meet me in the gym after school!”

I should probably point out that the word ‘quixotic’ is consistently and constantly mispronounced in Creating Rem Lezar. To get the full experience, read it as ‘quicks-aw-tick.’ The movie then switches gears to attack those Islamo fundie fascists attacking our freedom with this exchange inside a completely empty gymnasium:

Zack, arms folded, legs akimbo, backpack disdainfully slung from one shoulder: “Follow me, but pretend you don’t know me.”
Ashley: “I will not!”
Zack: “WHAT!”
Ashley: “Lets get something straight right now. You’re no better than me and I’m no better than you! You want to talk to me then you also better be ready to listen! In other words I’m going to walk beside you I will NOT follow!”

Phwoooaarr! Well you’ve convinced me Ashley, let’s fuck!

The children sing a song, flirt a little, and decide to make their nightmares come true by building a real Rem Lezar to terrorize their waking moments in addition to the nightly visitations.



Creeeepy.



The shameless first words the newly created Rem sings to the children are, “At laaaaaast, your fantaaaaassssy is reallll.” Further doing himself no favors with the parents in the audience Rem threatens to tuck the two of them in that very night as he clasps them both to his quivering pectorals.

It’s too bad the kids didn’t have a little extra putty to work with or they could have fixed that gap.
Now that it’s daytime, Rem decides another song is in order! And maybe a little ZZ Top style boogieing to boot.


The evil and odd-looking Vorock now appears to mock and attack Rem Lezar’s way of life, much like Noah Emmerich did to Jackie Earle Haley in Little Children. It should be pointed out that Vorock is played by Scott Zakarin, our industrious director.

Vorock is also quite capable of sending an intergalatic space vampire to infect you.



Suddenly transported to New York City the group looks for the highest point imagination can go. Zack remembers his father talking about identical buildings that were as high as imagination. Suddenly on a quest to find the twin towers our threesome traipse through central park where they find a group of italians who menace the children with doo wop. A tamed violinist and an afro-american rappist monosyllabically throwing down over a Clipse-style minimalist beat also temporarily join the group.

Everyone points a lot too.

The group shakes off the ne’erdowells and finds itself in front of the towers. Everyone poses majestically and sends fuck you vapors to the freedom killers.


To no avail however as Vorock turns up again and quite sanely points out that if the children can see how high the towers go then surely this is the wrong place as they would be able to imagine something higher.

Creating Rem Lezar then betrays its ideals as Rem and the children travel to some hippy forest where Rem exhorts them to try loving Vorock instead of hating him. Rem kicks further fallible science to the kids when Ashley asks “Why are we here Rem? I mean any of us?”
“Why not? Why not is as good an answer as any given by any scientist or philospher.”
Uh... really? Rem is Lazy Dad.

Then for some reason Vorok makes Rem split in two and separates the children, giving each of them a Rem so they can work out their issues in private. Both kids learn a thing and do a grow. Rem clearly plays favorites though. For a long time Zack’s Rem straight ignores him and refuses to talk while Ashley’s Rem won’t shut up and even serenades her and picks her up and holds her close. This sequence at least teaches us that while Rem isn’t going to turn his nose up at anyone, if he has his choice he definitely prefers the little ladies.


Oh no! Vorock tricks Zack into the waist deep water!

But then Vorock is saved through the power of love!


And then we get a lot of creepy dollface closeups ad nauseum.

The kids finally complete their adventure and wake up back in the abandoned workshop. Aw, Rem is only a doll again.


Hey, wait a minute that police officer sure looks familiar! *And* he has a great line to Zack: “I think you better leave the doll here son,” as Zack sheepishly lets of go of fake Lezar’s hand.



Well all’s well that ends well.

I didn’t notice this before I started doing screencaps and whatnot but the entire Rem Lezar film is actually hosted on youtube if you search for it, kind of rendering this whole post redundant, but hey, I only just found out. The good news is that Rem Lezar is only 48 minutes long so it’s definitely rockable.
Read Full Post »

Ahead of the Game

Mel Brooks & Madeline Kahn: Da Game Is To Be Sold, Not To Be Told

Louis Vuitton car & matching pant-suit in full effect, from High Anxiety (1977) Read Full Post »